Archive for the ‘April Fools’ Category

Patch 4.1.11 Preview Notes

Blizzard posted a note over at the official forums about what changes we’ll see in patch 4.1.11; the one that will contain the Tomb of Immortal Darkness. They don’t normally go to such lengths to tell us what’s going on behind the scenes way before a patch like this, but I’m glad they’re being open and honest with us.

All in all though, the changes look good! They’re finally taking Dance Studio out of the game – no one used that anyway, and adding a Random Guild Finder! Awesome!

Also, to encourage people to get out of capital cities, they’re adding a new debuff:

Players in capital cities will receive a 2-hour debuff “Homebody” that increases damage taken and reduces damage and healing given by 10% for every 10 minutes they’re within city limits. We hope this encourages something.

Oh snap! And look, class improvements too! For example:

Druid forms are now considered vehicles, allowing one player to ride on the druid’s back while in any form, even their humanoid form.

and for Hunters:

Ettin’s Grip (new talent) allows the hunter to equip two ranged weapons simultaneously.

(ooc: that would actually be badass. seriously.)

And a few others worth noting:

* Invisible walls have been added around all harmful ground effects.

* All dungeon & raid bosses now have legs. If they already had legs, they got more legs.

* In order to make the Cataclysm expansion appeal to all players’ sense of nostalgia, shaman, druids and paladins may now only queue as healers when using the Dungeon Finder.

* Tank Stimulus: Successfully completing 25 Dungeon Finder runs as a tank will grant you a $400 Federal tax credit. (Requires Form 8863)

Woot! A tax credit! Time to respec my Paladin! And honestly, who doesn’t appreciate more legs? I know I do. I can’t wait for this patch to land!

Blizzard Introduces Crabby, the Dungeon Helper!

What a helpful little guy he’ll be!

Have you ever felt alone while soloing? Wish you had someone to chat with about what you were doing, or sick of alt-tabbing out to do extensive research about the tasks at hand and wish there were more help in-game available to you at all times?

Well say hello to Crabby, the Dungeon Helper! He’s here to make sure that you’re all set for whatever tasks you may encounter in the World of Warcraft, and is here to help you when you need it!

He’ll occasionally pop up and offer you bits of advice that can be especially useful, and help guide you when you get lost. Check it out:

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a helpful friend at your side, ready to provide you with tips and hints when you’re stuck? A friend who’s there to provide encouragement, who will help you pick yourself up off the floor after the fifteenth wipe of the night? Someone who will stick with you — no matter what?

Everyone can use a friend like that… a friend like Crabby!

You’re a hero. An adventurer. A sword-swinger or spell-slinger for hire. Whatever your character’s motivation may be, if trouble doesn’t find you, it’s because you found trouble first. But what do you do when Asaad throws down a grounding field? How do you respond when the Faceless Corruptors enter Erudax’s room? Eventually, you’ll be thrown a curve ball that you can’t catch. When that happens, you’ll be glad to have Crabby at your side!

Crabby uses a complex and extensive set of context-sensitive situational heuristics to analyze your current status in real-time; that’s tech talk for “Crabby always knows what’s up.” He watches your every move with his all-seeing eyes. Nothing escapes his unwavering gaze; not even the slightest nuance of your play style goes unnoticed. Before long, Crabby will know what you’re going to do before you even do it. And he will use this knowledge to help.

Crabby is able to tell you exactly what’s going on and what you should do. His many useful tips will appear in the bottom right corner of your screen, where he hangs out, ever patiently, waiting for you to need his help. Of course, whether you follow his advice or not is entirely up to you; Crabby may possess an advanced level of artificial intelligence, but we’re reasonably sure he doesn’t have any feelings you could hurt. Reasonably sure. But just in case, the ability to remove Crabby has been disabled for now.

Good! I mean, who wouldn’t want Crabby around to help? Check out the images over at his information page – look how much he loves to help! He’s a helper crab, yes he is.

(psst. By the way. He appears on all World of Warcraft sites, too. Browse around and enjoy! He’s such a helper.)

Blizzard Unveils the Tomb of Immortal Darkness: New 5 Man Dungeon!

Wow, Blizzard is really intent on bringing new and interesting 5-man content to the game. Today they announced the Tomb of Immortal Darkness, a new 5-player dungeon that will blow your mind. Here’s their description:

Deep beneath the crumbling tombstones of Duskwood’s Raven Hill Cemetery, a dark and mysterious power is emerging. Drawing strength from the blackest night and fiercely jealous of the sighted, a once-devoted follower of Leotheras the Blind is spreading his shadowy tendrils across the land. Heroes of Azeroth must delve into his pitch black lair to face Omgsogoth, Dark Lord of Twilight, before the world is plunged into eternal night.

Making use of cutting-edge Deep Dark® technology, the Tomb of Immortal Darkness is a new five-player normal and heroic dungeon that will be introduced in patch 4.1.11. Three new bosses, with unique features and mechanics, will put your group to the test: Omgsogoth, Dark Lord of Twilight; the maniacal Twisted Spiral Fool; and Duc Ulah, The Winged Keeper. Featuring new daily quests, updated monster models, and all-new unique loot, you’ll find you really can’t believe your eyes…

Face your greatest fears in the paralysing dark of the Tomb. Tremble as you stumble blindly towards Omgsogoth’s chamber. Panic at the claustrophobic atmosphere, and feel terror cloud your senses. Will you find your way, or will you be lost, never to return?

Check out the gameplay videos there too – the dungeon looks incredible! So much depth of field, and so much to explore! You could literally go over it a thousand times and never see the same details twice!

I cast magic missle!

Blizzard’s Horadric Cube App Transmutes Anything!

In Diablo, the Horadric Cube allows you to transmute items into new, more powerful ones! Add a little of one element to a little of another, bam – something incredible! Now you can do the same with the apps on your smartphone, thanks to Blizzard and their new Horadric Cube iPhone App!

Fruit Ninja and Angry Birds? Ninja Birds! Skype and Facebook? FaceSkype! You get the idea. Here’s what Blizzard has to say:

Using this app, you can transform and recombine any number of other apps you drag into it. Use the Cube’s transmute power, and the Cube’s Horadric magic will change the existing apps into a new, potentially more powerful app. But beware! A terrible fate awaits those who do not heed the warnings contained within the ancient scrolls. You must not attempt to drag the cube into itself! No good can come of it! Seek out the disclaimer (section 2) for further information.

Wow! And that say that while transmutation is available in the current version, future versions will also feature translocation, which will allow you to open dimensional portals and summon the horrors of hell onto earth and doom us all! How’s THAT for “one more thing,” iPhone users?

Here’s hoping Blizzard is planning an Android version soon!

Blizzard Returns to Consoles with Starcraft Motion Overdrive!

This can only be seen to be believed – Blizzard is planning an epic return to consoles by bringing Starcraft II to the XBox 360, using your body as the controller, thanks to Microsoft’s Kinect!

Check out it, and be amazed!

Here’s what Blizzard had to say:

Ever since its inception, the real-time strategy genre has been missing one crucial gameplay element: You. Generations of players have commanded their forces from afar, making tactical decisions and planning their strategies at a safe distance from the front lines. But now, we finally have the technology to put you at the center of the battlefield. Welcome to StarCraft: Motion Overdrive!

Read more about it here at the Motion Overdrive information page!

Awesome! Now I can get in shape and pwn noobs! Terran fo’ lyfe!

Blizzard Unveils Battle.net Neural Interface

Among the other hot news from Blizard today was a new way to interact with your Battle.net account: the Neural Interface! Now you can play World of Warcraft with your mind! Just don this new headset and you’ll get the full sensory experience of playing World of Warcraft without having to use a controller, a keyboard, or anything but the power of your mind: it’s revolutionary!

Battle.net Neural Interface for use with your World of Warcraft account or Battle.net account. This product comes with an exclusive in-game pet.
Experience World of Warcraft from a whole new perspective with the revolutionary Battle.net Neural Interface! Harnessing the power of the human mind, the Battle.net Neural Interface is a revolutionary new method to access World of Warcraft.
The first time you use the Battle.net Neural Interface, it reads and adapts to your unique brainwave signature, forming a permanent and unbreakable bond, ensuring that all your senses are properly mapped to your character’s view of the game world. Once this neural link is formed, do not attempt to remove the Battle.net Neural Interface for any reason. Blizzard Entertainment is not liable for any temporary or permanent loss of brain function as a result of improper use of the Battle.net Neural Interface.

  • Play your World of Warcraft avatar with complete sensory input. Experience the sights, smells, and tastes of Azeroth as never before!
  • Simple and easy to use – Press one button on the side of the Battle.net Neural Interface to generate permanent mental imprint. Setup of the Battle.net Neural Interface is simple and takes only a few hours.
  • Mostly Unobstrusive – Take your Battle.net Neural Interface wherever you play World of Warcraft and have the satisfaction of knowing that you will only receive a few questioning glances.
  • Tough and durable – Lasts for months, and replacement is theoretically possible.

Unfortunately, they are a little pricey at $14,999 USD, but there must be hot demand because the Blizzard Store is already sold out of them! Let’s hope they’re back in stock soon.

Blizzard Announces New Mobile Games: Blackthorne 2: Thorne Harder and Queen’s Quest!

Blizzard announced today on its EU site that a couple of new amazing games will be coming to mobile platforms – normally I wouldn’t talk about much aside from World of Warcraft, but these were too good to pass up! Among the titles, Blackthorne 2: Thorne Harder, and Queen’s Quest!

Blackthorne 2 follows the exploits of Kyle Blackthorne as he returns to Earth to save us all from oblivion:

Sixteen years have passed on Earth since Kyle Blackthorne returned to his homeworld, the futuristic planet of Tuul. There he rescued its inhabitants, the Tuulips, overthrew the evil Sarlac, and reclaimed his father’s kingdom. But now, a new threat stirs beyond a torn horizon, and only one man can stop the darkness closing in… on Earth.
Unwilling to let another world he had called home be crushed in the wicked grip of the orc blight, Blackthorne abandons his (black) throne and uses the power of the Lightstone to travel back to Earth. But what awaits him at the other end of the world portal is like nothing he could have expected, and the stakes are higher than ever before….
The bestselling action adventure shooter returns… and this time, it’s personal.

Features:

  • Uncannily lifelike AI
  • 100% photorealistic graphics
  • Epic hard rock soundtrack
  • Magical, revolutionary gameplay that builds on Kyle’s signature no-look shotgun blast. Now he never looks where he’s shooting!
  • Twitter and Facebook integration to automatically post updates for every single enemy you kill. Your friends will thank you.

Hell yeah! I know all of my Twitter followers are looking forward to hearing about how hard I killed that super-shark up there, and every single other killable object in the game! This is going to be so awesome! Also – it looks like this and Queen’s Quest will be available not just for the iPhone but for Android phones and other mobile devices as well!

Now check out Queen’s Quest – a follow-up title following the exploits of the new Queen of the Zerg herself, Kerrigan the Queen of Blades! You play Kerrigan as she tries to find her way through the aftermath of the Brood War, making friends and enemies, battling off betrayers and climbing her way to her rightful place on the throne of the Zerg!

Here’s what you have to look forward in terms of features:

  • weeping saxophone soundtrack
  • Literary consultation from “A Couple of Dudes from Mar Sara”
  • Comes on 17 floppy disks
    • A revolutionary new Digital Rights Management (DRM) scheme in 5 easy steps:

    • Open the Spin-A-Spacer DRM application on any smart phone*
    • Line up the spacer faces to reveal the page/word matrix value
    • Consult your player guide / lore manual, and turn to the appropriate page
    • Use the special 3d lenticular glasses to decode the margin text and find the keyword passphrase
    • Enter the special passphrase into the on-screen prompt
    • Speak “OK” clearly and audibly into the device’s audio input
    • ENJOY! (Occassionally, you may be asked to call a toll-free 800 number to verify your identity)
  • *note: iPhone users will need to open the application on a secondary handset

I’m not normally a big RPG person, but this looks like lots of fun, and a great continuation of the story from where Starcraft: Brood War left off. I’m looking forward to it!

Battle.Net Matchmaking: Find Someone to Pwn N00bs With

Blizzard knows its fans and customers well, and has unviled a new social tool to help us all get to know each other a little better. Now, as well as being able to match up people to play against one another in multiplayer games like Starcraft and Warcraft III, Battle.net Matchmaking can match you up with someone to raid with…in real life.

Remember folks, the couple that raids together stays together, and Blizzard has plans to help us all find happiness. Just select who you’re looking for from the drop down menus like so:

And then click to find a match for you! The site will churn a bit (this is the best part) like this:

And…well….I’ve never waited through the search. Clearly I’m just impatient, since the video on the page proves that there have been many happy results! Give it a try and let us know if Battle.net matchmaking has helped you find love in the comments!

Blizzard Introduces the Equipment Potency EquivalencE Number! (E.P.E.E.N.)

Blizzard announced today that they would be adding a groundbreaking new feature to the World of Warcraft called the Equipment Potency EquivalencE Number, or E.P.E.E.N.! No need to fumble with silly add-ons anymore that help you determine who the best players or the people you should be spending your time in game with anymore! Now E.P.E.E.N. can do it all for you!

Not only will the game show you at all times what E.P.E.E.N. other players around you have, but the game will use phasing to make sure you don’t have to see or deal with players who don’t have E.P.E.E.N. in the same tier as you! You won’t be able to group with them, raid with them, or even see or speak to them, and that’s how it should be. Here’s what Blizzard had to say:

hat is best in life? Gear, plain and simple. As part of the upcoming stat-system revamp, we plan to introduce a new tool that will let World of Warcraft players know exactly where they stand in comparison to other players: the Equipment Potency EquivalencE Number.

With this new system, you’ll no longer have to wonder about your perceived or actual worth as a player. Your Equipment Potency EquivalencE Number, automatically derived from the quality of the gear you currently possess, will be placed on your character sheet and in the Armory, and also displayed over your character’s head in-game as an easy-to-read bar-like object that steadily grows as you acquire loot. Thanks to this new system, no one will be able to ignore the fruits of your long, hard journey toward gear perfection.

There are even rewards for growing your E.P.E.E.N. as well!

Those with sufficiently large numbers can earn in-game rewards such as a permanent bonus to “need” rolls, the ability to cut to the front of the queue in the Dungeon Finder, a larger ignore list, a much shorter dungeon deserter debuff, or — if your number is exceedingly impressive — a new non-combat pet, Binky the Mechano-Rooster.

As your number grows, the game world will tailor itself to you in other subtle ways: as the pool of players you interact with becomes more and more exclusive, you’ll no longer need to stand still in prominent locations quite so often to allow others to inspect your gear; you’ll have fewer time-wasting calendar invitations to sift through; and your friends list will become increasingly more manageable, reducing needless scrolling time. Any negative repercussions of these changes will be offset by the satisfaction you’ll receive knowing your equipment is significantly more impressive than average.

Thanks Blizzard! I’ll never need to deal with those people below me ever again!

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