Overheard at Blizzard HQ

Planner: Soooo, y’alls know why we’re here, today. For the past few months, there’s been an … errrm … perception that Blizzard is favoring Horde over Alliance in its designs.
Dev 1: We do?
Dev 2
: We do?
Planner: Yeah, well, I guess we kinda, sorta, did, a bit.
Dev 2: Hey, we gave Alliance an ezmode raid class. And we gave their Nelfs Shadowmeld…
Dev 1
: … which we nerfed, a few weeks back…
Dev 2
: Yeah, but we made their quests easier, as well. And when Solstice happened we smoked Horde in South Shore while giving Alliance a simple quest to pick up the bombs unflagged.
: But they’re whining about Shamans. And Will of the Forsa…
Dev 1
: Wait, we nerfed WotF to hell and back, too.
Dev 2: And Shamans? Who needs Shamans in raids? All they get to do is sit in Warsong and hope someone takes ’em into BWL on a pity mission.
Planner: But we, at Blizzard, have a solution.
Dev 1: We do?
Dev 2
: Woot, first!
Dev 1: Shut up, we solved that issue with Hunters being useless in raids…
Dev 2: … by overpowering them in PvP. Yeah, that was genius.
Planner: Both of you shut up. So, here’s what we do. First, we’ll give Horde a cute, pretty, race.
Dev 1
: You mean like … Nelfs?
Planner: Exactly. We’ll have to bend the lore a bit, but I think we can get Blood Elves into the Horde.
— Cue the sound of Lore screaming in agony —
Dev 1: And this is going to help us… how? Isn’t that giving a favor to Horde? I mean, their char models all DO look as if they’re afflicted with constant neck pain and a stiff spine.
Dev 2: Yeah! How’s taking Lore out back and shooting her going to help Alliance?
Planner: Waaaait for it, people. Waaaaait for it.
Dev 3: Hey guys, what did I miss?
Dev 1: Horde’s getting Blood Elves.
Dev 3: Sweet, I can be a Belf Warrior.
Planner: Not so hasty.
Dev 1: Hasty?
Planner: Here’s the sheer genius of our plan. We don’t give Belfs Warriors. We give ’em…. tadaaa…. Paladins and Hunters.
Dev 1: PALA… collapses on his chair
— Cue the sound of Lore whimpering her last breath —
Dev 2: NO WARR… collapses in his chair
Planner: Guys, guys, don’t you see the genius in this? Alliance wasn’t disadvantaged due to some racial or class imbalance. All the ten year old kids, morons, low lifes, forty year old unemployed DnD Dungeon Masters, the 500 pound chick that’s the Arts and Crafts overseer for her local SCA chapter, the guy who can’t leave his house because he has this overwhelming urge to flash women in the park… they all rolled Alliance. By giving Horde Boob Elves, preferably in a satin red thong when undressed, making it dance like a slut, we get two thirds of them into Horde. They’ll all re-roll. Add Hunters, and the Legolosers will re-roll. And by giving them Paladins we get the worst of three worlds – pukingly cute Legolancelots for the odd Defender of the Light moron who wants tits, ass, plate, holy spells, and nothing more than to get laid for the first time before he turns forty next week. And we’ll announce the Draenei to be Shamans for the Alliance. And Spaceships. By the time they lapped that up, Lore is already so dead we can just go ahead with our next step and make Onyxia neutral or friendly to Alliance. And we can give them Chainsaws and Laserguns and … everyting … no more lore to worry about. Isn’t that great?
Dev 1: That’s … evil.
Dev 2: Yes, evil. You’ll make Alliance the mature faction… wow.
Planner: Yes! Yes! Yes! We can destroy Horde in one fell swoop.
Dev 3: Out of curiosity, what are you playing?
Planner: Me? Oh, I am a Gnome Warrior.
Devs: A-Ha!

6 Comments so far

  1. Michael (unregistered) on July 31st, 2006 @ 1:04 pm

    LOL…… Thats it, I’m parking Dead and instead of rolling Alliance I’m going to write an addon that lets me play one of those antelopes outside xr.

    Eating grass FTW

  2. James Foreman (unregistered) on July 31st, 2006 @ 2:53 pm

    Funny! Nicely done!

    But this whole Lore thing bugs me – sure, I don’t know anything about it, and lots of people obsess over it (like the kinds of folks you mention) but that doesn’t mean Blizzard can’t, you know, change it.

    Meh. I think I’ll write a post about it.

  3. Jonas M Luster (unregistered) on July 31st, 2006 @ 4:30 pm

    Let’s have a point/counterpoit style podcast, shall we?

  4. Matt-Clew (unregistered) on July 31st, 2006 @ 6:19 pm

    that is the funniest thing i’ve read in a long time, glad our guild website has a link to this site on the front page

  5. phoenix (unregistered) on August 1st, 2006 @ 8:33 am

    lmao-this is absolute gold. :) I was also kind of…erm..entertained at the liberties that Blizzard is taking with its own lore in effort to make their most recent..erm…plans come to fruition, but I don’t think it’ll be that bad.

    Okay, scratch that. I’m hoping and praying that this will make Alliance a more mature faction. I really really am. :( Or maybe it’ll just spread the moronity out a little more evenly.

    So..red satin thong, huh? /reroll

  6. Matt-Clew (unregistered) on August 1st, 2006 @ 6:59 pm

    stupid blood elves

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